June 13, 2010

So Long, Farewell, Aufweidersehen, Goodbye

This girl is going international. TOMORROW.

And I feel that Jack Kerouac captures my leaving feelings exactly.

"What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies."

And so I lean.

Away from what I know to be true. I am going to be very far away from everything and everyone that I know, love, and have held onto for so many years. And it’s a very bittersweet goodbye. Of course I love my family and friends that are here in the United States. That will never change. But it’s time for me to get out for a while, see the world, grow up a little bit more. I am sad to be leaving but at the same time, I couldn’t be more anxious to get away. My time ran out here. I couldn’t imagine being a college graduate, working a post-grad job in Monterey, doing all of the same things I’ve been doing for the last few years. Not that I didn’t love every minute of it but it’s just time to move on.  I’ve never felt so sure about my direction before. I know that this is it, there isn’t anywhere else that I am meant to be.

I know that it isn’t going to be easy all the time. I don’t doubt that I will have hard days. Ultimately, I am going to Germany to work. And I know how hard it can be to take care of someone else’s children. I’ve been doing it for a long time. Some days Die Kinder may not like me very much. Some days I might not be too hot on them either. With the good comes the bad.

Over the last few weeks I’ve let the excitement and stress of my upcoming adventure overcome the reality of what it is that I am about to do. It really isn’t that tangible to me yet. I don’t think it will hit me until I am thousands of feet in the air, flying somewhere over the Atlantic ocean. I’ll wake up from a drug-induced sleep coma and think, “Oh my God, I’m really doing this.”

I know very little about being an au pair. Any information or experience that I’ve gathered has come from books and from the stories of my friends. Everything that I’ve discovered about the job, I am excited to experience for myself. Even the not so fun stuff like homesickness, unruly children, uncool host parents, and culture shock. Everything is a lesson to be learned. I will discover something about myself in the process and I will come to know my surroundings, my environment, my host family, and my new friends so much better this way. And I will fondly miss and deeply appreciate the life that I previously lived which built the foundations for this adventure and life experience.

I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know who I will be when this journey is finished. Everyone keeps asking me what I am going to do when I return to the states and I can not give them an honest answer. I will not let the future be decided just yet. Things will unfold as they happen and whether I come home again to California or travel the world for a few more years, that is what is meant for me.

I am so excited to begin my journey. I don’t know what to expect, to be honest. But I’m willing to accept everything and let it all in, the good and the bad. This is my next crazy venture beneath the skies.

Good-bye, America! Hello Deutschland!

2 comments:

F said...

This sounds so exciting! I wish you all the best luck.

Susie Q said...

Ooooooh I bet right at this second you are either on your way or just arrived in Germany.

This is going to be one exciting time for you! And even though I hope you enjoy it as much as you can, I hope you don't forget to write your feelings down! First of all because I'm nosey, second of all because you will want to have all those feelings written down so you can always come back to it and remember what it was like...

Oh yey, I'm so excited for you!

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